Here is the News

I am a news junkie.

Biting the hand that once fed me.

Biting the hand that once fed me.

All day at work, I have a news-ticker distracting me with random titbits of news, beamed directly from the Interweb into my tiny monkey brain. I have a Protopage that’s devoted to RSS feeds. I mainline feeds from the Washington Post to Slashdot, via Daily Variety.

Some days it’s same-old-same-old. Nothing going on. Today, I’ve been inundated with all manner of meedja headlines. From Sunset and Vine to Wood Lane, it’s newsflash-a-go-go.

So I thought I’d present my pick of these headlines, complete with some snarling commentary.

Saucer of milk to table three… and we’re off!

Not to be outdone by ITV’s announcement that they’re revamping Blind Date, Cilla Black is back!

Cilla Black returns for dating show

Cilla Black will return to TV screens to front Sky One’s dating show Loveland.

(Well she’s got to pay for her winter heating bills somehow, poor love)

The 65-year-old famously hosted the ITV dating show Blind Date for 18 years. At the peak of its popularity, the programme pulled in viewing figures of 17 million.

Loveland, pitched as a dating show with a 21st century twist, will see participants hide behind real-time animated characters instead of the Blind Date screen. After interacting with the animated alter-ego, the contestant will choose which hopeful to take on a date.

Black said of the new show: “Loveland captivated me with its modern-day twist on the dating format, bringing something new and exciting to the genre.”

The series will broadcast on Sky One next year.

Now, imagine the scene: you’re trying to explain “Second Life” to your geriatric bus-pass mother. Once you’ve got her past the concept of avatars, flying and Furries, can you imagine her being able to tell back to you what you’ve just taught her?


Also, am I the only one who would find taking dating advice from a pensioner a little creepy?

And that’s your new prime-time show.


Gibson, Glover back for ‘Lethal Weapon 5’

(Saints preserve us! Is the credit-crunch hitting ther retirement funds?)

Mel Gibson and Danny Glover are reportedly in talks to star in Lethal Weapon 5.

Shane Black, who wrote the original movie, has penned a spec script for a fifth instalment, according to Hollywood tracking board

The new story sees homicide cop Riggs (Gibson), who is about to quit the LAPD, drag Murtaugh (Glover) out of retirement to solve one final case.

Well, that’s original.

Don’t get me wrong – if anyone can resurrect the corpse of this much-adored franchise, it’s Shane Black. The man is one of the Gods of screenwriting – FACT!

But this is going to redefine the phrase: “I’m getting too old for this shit.”

Mind you, the Zimmer Frame of Fame is clattering on for another golden oldie:

Lucas: ‘Indy 5 won’t focus on LaBeouf’

George Lucas has changed his plans for a proposed fifth Indiana Jones movie.

(well that’s certainly not the first time he’s lied to the fans)

The producer had previously spoken of his desire to shift the emphasis away from Harrison Ford’s whip-cracking archaeologist and onto his son Mutt Williams, played by Shia LaBeouf in Indiana Jones And The Kingdom Of The Crystal Skull.

However, Lucas has now distanced himself from the idea, telling MTV: “Indiana Jones is Indiana Jones. Harrison Ford is Indiana Jones. If it was Mutt Williams it would be Mutt Williams And The Search For Elvis or something.”

(“or something”?! Has Lucas turned into a teenager? “It’s, like, gonna be the old fella in da hat, innit… or something.” Christ. And they let this guy write the script?)

Lucas stated that a new Indiana Jones movie would enter development once he had decided on a historical artifact to drive the story.

He said: “We are looking for something for him to go after. They are very hard to find. It’s like archeology. It takes a huge amount of research to come up with something that will fit.”

Well, don’t hang around for too long or Harrison’s hips will start to go.

Now for some sad news: further proof that Hollywood has scraped the bottom of the barrel, run out of ideas and sold its soul to Blockbuster. Possibly the worst idea for a remake since they said they’d remake Robocop, or The Day the Earth Stood Still, or I Am Legend, or… oh I’ll just get on with the story.

Francis Ford Coppola’s The Conversation to be adapted for TV

(Oh cocking hell, I’m off to the bar. Tell me when it’s over)

US cable channel AMC, home to critically lauded advertising drama Mad Men, is looking to develop a TV series based on Francis Ford Coppola’s 1974 movie The Conversation.

The low-key thriller, about a paranoid surveillance expert called Harry Caul, played by Gene Hackman, who has a crisis of conscience when he suspects that a couple he is spying on will be murdered, earned three Oscar nominations, including best picture.

(so we’ve established this is a classic – why, sweet Jesus, do you remake a classic?)

Former 24 executive producer Tony Krantz has been attempting to turn the movie into a TV series for more than a decade and has lined up an impressive roster of creative talent to work on the project for AMC.

Christopher McQuarrie, whose scriptwriter credits include The Usual Suspects, and Band of Brothers writer Erik Jendresen, are working on a script for the TV version of The Conversation, according to American trade journal Variety.

(ah – now your talking – McQuarrie. Another screenwriting GOD. But is this the McQuarrie who wrote the sublime Usual Suspects, or the McQuarrie who choked and folded while writing Superman, then got over his mid-life crisis through the medium of indipendent film? Let’s hope to christ he’s got his game-face on for this one.)

Krantz, McQuarrie and Jendresen previously worked on a modern-day version of The Conversation two years ago for ABC, but Krantz said it did not work out after the network chose to concentrate on female friendly dramas such as Desperate Housewives.

(so they’re remaking a remake of their own failed remake)

Krantz’s Flame Ventures independent production company is attached to the project, along with Sony Pictures TV and Coppola’s American Zoetrope label.

Ooh! So Coppola’s in on the act.

Is that him relaunching himself back into the media fray, or is the tax-man knocking on his door?

Well, that’s enough of old farts from the 80’s (that’s me I’m talking about). How about something ‘yoof’?

Brace yourself…

(press ‘play’ on your Best of Clannad 8-track, now)

Jonas Armstrong to leave ‘Robin Hood’

(I was just going to leave it there and say “W00T!”, but here we go)

Jonas Armstrong is to step down as the lead in Robin Hood at the end of the next series.

The actor will depart in what is being billed as an “explosive, nail-biting finale” to series three, currently being filmed in Budapest.

(hopefully, by “explosive”, they mean they’ll be strapping a ‘suicide belt’ into this gomer and chasing him into a busy Broadcasting House, with mad dogs nipping at his heels)

Although Armstrong, 27, is leaving, the door will be left open for the series to continue should it be recommissioned. “Jonas leaving the show doesn’t mean the end of Robin Hood,” a spokeswoman told Digital Spy. “Robin Hood is more than a man – he is a hero and a legend – so how the legacy unfolds after he leaves is in itself mysterious and is guaranteed to make fans desperate to find out what happens next.”

I’m just desperate to find out who are the bastards responsible for this shoddy tat, so I can go tell them to pack their bags and stop raping British folklore.

There is only ONE Robin Hood and that’s Michael Praed… no, hang on… Jason Connery… no, wait…

And that’s the news. It’s all remakes and sequels.

Dear Meedja,

Will someone PLEASE produce a new TV show or Movie. Will someone just give Shane Black and Chris McQuarrie the cash to make their refreshingly brilliant and original work. Will you all stop and think for a moment. Classics are Classics for a reason. They’re brilliant and not in need of a remake or a sequel too far.

I loved the new Indiana Jones movie with all of my bitter, black heart, but four is enough. Pass on the hat.

I thought Lethal Weapon 4 was a whole lot of fun, but you closed the book on that franchise. They’re trying to resurrect this one from beyond the grave.

Give us something new – I beg of you.

Telly – you are the worst offender in this!

There is more than enough talent in the industry, on either side of the pond, to come up with fresh ideas. The problem isn’t the writers, it’s the producers and commissioning editors. They’re the ones who hold the purse-strings. They’re the ones who had their balls taken away from them as soon as they got their name on the office door. It’s these vile bean-counters who decide what you and I get to watch on the box. It’s these vapid, vacuous non-entities who bleat about falling viewing figures and, rather than look at their own inadequacies, blame anything: multichannel broadcasting, video on demand, global warming – seriously – I once heard a Line Producer say that people were watching less telly because the world was warming up and people were, therefore, spending more time outside.

I shit you not.

That’s the mentality of these people. When a show fails, it’s never their fault (it’s usually the poor bloody writer). If a show succeeds, it’s entirely because of them (rather than the forgotten writer).

It’s these money-grubbing bastards who have turned the BBC into some third-rate provincial station.

It’s these shysters who you give your Licence Fee to.

Do you know how to stand up to them? There’s a red button on your remote. It turns the magic box off.

Why not prove that producer right. Turn off the goggle box and go enjoy the long summer nights, rather than pollute your brain with these second-hand, cast-off ideas.


~ by mchawk on 7 August, 2008.

One Response to “Here is the News”

  1. You have just depressed the crap out of me Hawk!! I had no idea there were quite so many squealalls in the works of Hollywould.

Leave a Reply

Fill in your details below or click an icon to log in: Logo

You are commenting using your account. Log Out /  Change )

Google+ photo

You are commenting using your Google+ account. Log Out /  Change )

Twitter picture

You are commenting using your Twitter account. Log Out /  Change )

Facebook photo

You are commenting using your Facebook account. Log Out /  Change )


Connecting to %s

%d bloggers like this: