Wire star spills the BBC beans

I’ll just sit-back and lazily blockquote this one, as thelondonpaper has done all the hard work for me.

The British star of the hit US cop show The Wire has criticised the BBC for screening too many costume dramas.

Actor Dominic West claimed schedules were overly reliant on costume drama and claimed that BBC producers secretly “hate” working on the likes of Cranford, the award-winning period adaptation starring Dame Judi Dench.

His comments are a major embarrassment for the BBC who last night screened the hit US show for the first time on terrestrial TV in the UK.

The actor, 39, who became a major industry player in the States after playing Baltimore police detective Jimmy McNulty, told BBC Radio 4’s Today programme that there is a lack of “high end contemporary drama”.

He said: “If you turn on American TV, there’s a huge choice of nothing you want to see and, unfortunately, I think that’s the case here now as well.

“We seem to lack the high end of drama. We do costume drama brilliantly, and I love costume drama.

“No-one does it like the BBC – no-one has the money to do it, first of all, and, secondly, Americans don’t have the history to do it.”

He added: “But if you talk to any BBC producers, they abhor the fact… they are dying to do The Wire and hate doing Cranford.I thought Cranford was incredible but we don’t seem to be able to do contemporary stuff.”

His comments infuriated the BBC which dismissed his claims as “nonsense”.

Ben Stephenson, controller of BBC Drama, said: “The BBC makes a wide variety of dramas, of which period is a tiny proportion.

“Cranford was a multi-award-winning drama that was enjoyed by more than 7.5 million viewers every week and starred some of the greatest acting talent in the UK.

“To suggest that producers ‘hate’ working on such pieces is nonsense and certainly not a view shared by those involved in this particular series.”

The Wire, a gritty tale of detectives and drug lords operating in modern-day Baltimore, has been hailed as the greatest drama ever made.

West, who was born in Sheffield and educated at Eton, perfected a Baltimore accent to play hard-drinking police officer Jimmy McNulty.

He moved to the US in 2001 after despairing of the opportunities available in Britain.

He said: “I went to America to get away from constantly being cast in costume dramas, playing posh people.

“It’s interesting that I’ve been cast as a working-class cop because I doubt that would happen at home.”

- by Steve Myall on thelondonblog

Frankly, I couldn’t have put this any better than that.

It took and damn good actor from these shores to go and make a big splash in the US, then come back and hand the Beeb it’s ass in a bag.

The Beeb just got pwned. It serves them bloody right for putting The Wire on 5 nights a week. The eejits don’t even know when they’ve got quality product.

Law & Order UK: the day before

Law & Order: UK

It’s Sunday – the day before the pilot episode…

First off, it’s safe to say that I’m not an ardent fan of Law & Order. I prefer SVU, but I don’t really follow either one. It’s a bloody good show, but I’m just not that into procedural cop dramas (Spooks and NCIS being the exceptions to that rule). But there’s no WAY I’m missing the UK version of this multi award-winning franchise.

Let’s see just how much we can mess up this formula. Will it be a car-crash pastiche of the original? Will it be a cheap-as-chips knock off – quite literally the ‘poor cousin’? Or will it be the best thing since sliced-bread and quite possibly the saviour of British television?

Well, it’s on ITV1, which bodes ill, as I watch about 1 hour a year of that cultural wasteland. It’s the televisual equivalent of the gossip rag “Closer.”

But, it’s produced by Kudos, who make the only British dramas worth watching (Spooks, Hustle, Life on Mars), it’s 13 parts, so at least it can be globally syndicated (I can’t believe it’s take the UK industry decades to figure out why their 6-part shite never sells abroad) and it’s got one helluva cast.

There’s that fella from BSG, whatsherface from Dr. Who, a bloke off Corrie, RSC lady, him from “Cutting It” and that guy from all those period dramas.

So we’re onto a winner, demographically, as this (the above) is exactly how the Great British viewing public think of Jamie Bamber, Freema Agyeman, Bradley Walsh, Harriet Walter, Ben Daniels and Bill Paterson – excellent actors all, but not exactly the ‘household names’ they deserve to be.

Mind you, the launch of this show is a tough-sell when the number one story in the uk is the imminent death of an utter nobody z-list so-called celebrity, who gained her fame from a gameshow and her notoriety for her racism.

Ho hum.

Sidebar: I’m perversely hopeful that Slumdog get its arse kicked at the Oscars tonight. I’ve nothing personal against the movie or anyone who made it, but I’m sick to death of the British press banging on about this movie like it’s the second coming and the saviour of the British Film Industry (a misnomer I’ve previously discussed).

I don’t care how good the movie is, it’s just one movie. Show me a whole stable fill of hits and I’ll get excited about British film. Is anyone else old enough to remember Colin Welland getting his Oscar and proclaiming to Hollywierd that “the British are coming”? I nearly vomited blood when he said that. What an ass.

Even when I worked in telly, I knew fine well that our American cousins are just better at doing it than us. I never had a chip on my shoulder about that fact, unlike a great many of my co-workers. I just did my bit and got on with it. But I really hope that Law & Order UK doesn’t shame us. It could be brilliant, or it could, once and for all, prove what a talent-vacuum we have become.

Fingers-crossed it’s not the latter.

Christian Bale rocks and you’re all whiney bitches: FACT

Christian Bale can kick your ass: FACT

My favourite story of the day has already raced its way around the web any number of times, but there’s one thing that seems to be lacking from the vast amount of commentary that has been posted on t’interweb.

Spent the day under a rock? Well, it seems Christian Bale lost his rag at a co-worker while filming “Terminator: Salvation.” Check out the tirade here, then we’ll continue.

Well, firstly, will all the Americans in the room stop complaining about Bale “dropping the F-bomb.” Stop being such a bunch of pathetic puritans. He’s a Brit and we swear like Pirates. We’re the best swearers on Earth. Only the Aussies come close to the awesome swearing power of a Brit in full-flow.

Secondly, and here’s where my anger gets let off the leash and… well… I can’t really describe this, so I’ll have to wholly mis-appropriate some commentary from around the web to illustrate the dumbness surrounding this tale:

These from tmz.com

this a-hole has a huge ego…just because he was in Dark Knight and it won awards, he thinks hes better then anyone else..F’ HIM!!!

…..

LOSER!!!!!!!!! With a big ego and mouth. Someone should have bitch slapped his puny little ass.

…..

am shocked! I have absolutely NO interest in ever seeing another movie with him in it.

…..

Christian Bale has lost a fan….me.

I could go on, but that gives you the flavour of the mindless spite that’s out there.

Now, I can pretty much guarantee you that none of these whining ticks have ever set foot on a film set. They haven’t got the faintest clue as to on-set-etiquette. They’ve never worked a 14-hour day in their lives. And they certainly haven’t had a multi-million dollar production resting on their shoulders.

I really hope these pathetic idiots don’t go and see this movie, or any other movie for that matter. The fewer assholes in the cinema, the quieter it’s going to be for the rest of us.

This whole situation really is a no-brainer – answer these questions and you’ll see that:

1. What the hell was the DoP doing walking thought shot?

A.s.s.h.o.l.e! If ANY crew member wanders around set during a shot, they deserve a slap. That’s just the way it is. You’ve got a room full of people all striving to one goal – the next shot. You interrupt that or mess it up and you’ve just wasted the time of dozens of people. You are, therefore, and asshole.

This wandering fool begs the question…

2. Where the hell were the 1st AD and the Runners?

Who’s running this set? Can any asshole just drift around the stage? Let’s see the bit of the risk-assessment where it says “assholes are free to wander blindly around during the shoot, causing a distraction and wasting everyone’s time and production’s money.”

The AD’s should be shot for not dragging the DoP off set the second that this fight kicked-off. How spineless can they be, that they let a screaming match like this to happen on set? They should have stepped in right at the start of this row.

But the biggest question has to be…

3. Who the hell has leaked this?

Whoever in the sound department who let this tape get out should be run out of town on a rail. This is a serious breach of trust. Whatever happened to “what goes on tour, stays on tour”?

Bruce Franklin, an AD and Associate Producer on the movie, has insisted the rant has only been released to slander Bale. He goes on to say…

…that Bale, a “consummate professional,” just had a bad day.

“If you are working in a very intense scene and someone takes you out of your groove…but was the most emotional scene in the movie,” said Franklin. “And for him to get stopped in the middle of it. He is very intensely involved in his character. He didn’t walk around like that all day long. It was just a moment and it passed.”

E! Online

It’s tragic that he’s been put into the position that he has to defend Bale. He’s been backed into that particular corner by a vicious little douchebag who’s leaked this tape for their own gain.

If it is someone in the Sound dept (I can only assume it is) then they should have their Union membership rescinded – seriously. Then we’ll get the DGA to chuck the spineless AD’s out of their gang and, as the grand finale, we’ll strip the DoP of his accreditation and send the twat back to film-school, where he can re-take his freshman year and learn the basics of working on-set, before anyone lets him loose with a pan-glass and a lighting crew.

I think it fascinating that, amid all the hundreds of sniping comments on tmz.com, there are a number from people in the business who, almost to-a-man, stand up for Bale:

It is clear that none of the people who have posted a comment have ever actually worked on a movie set, let alone worked in theater, as a professional. Do you know all the facts about this story? No. Is it likely that the guy being yelled at was a stupid ass? Yes. It is more than likely that Bale had good reason to be pissed by this guy’ lack of professionalism. And what you all clearly don’t understand is that acting is not nearly as easy or glamorous as you think it is – especially if the actors are doing a technically difficult scene which requires real focus. Should Bale have been so vitriolic – well, probably not, but one can understand his frustration if some idiot has interrupted the scene not once, but TWICE. Lay off of Bale, and grow-up.

…..

have any of you people ever worked on a set? I have. do you have any idea how early some of these actors get up, how late they stay, how hot the lights are, how frustrating take after take after take can get?
most of you would have blown a gasket long before most of them do.
big deal, he got pissed. it happens. you never lose your cool?
actors, contrary to popular belief, are not machines created for your amusement, they are PEOPLE. god forbid they ever react like human beings.

…..

I have worked with Shane Hurlbut (the DP that he is yelling at) on a movie. It was awful. He was condescending and misogynistic. And his lighting was fair to middling. What a jerk! He was not a team player. He only lights the set not the people.

This does not excuse Christian Bale’s behavior, totally non-professional. But he probably had enough of Shane’s snarky-ness.

Zing! Oh, that’s a good one, but my personal favourite comes from someone who was there, it seems:

In all due respects to what you all may hear here, and what you all may be imagining, Mr. Bale was totally justified with his verbal outburst. The director of photography distracted Mr. Bale while he was trying to act in a scene.

There is a time and space on the set for the DP to work and set lights and cameras, and there is also a time and space for the actors and actresses to work. The DP was “intruding” on Mr. Bale’s acting time and space.

I totally understand and respect Mr. Bale’s being upset at that specific time.

From my point of view as one of the boom operators on the set at that time, and from my point of view using my experience of 22 years in the motion picture business, Mr. Bale is a professional actor, a gentleman, and excellent at his job.

Unfortunately, this incident has been taken out of its context, and the sound bite you hear does not make sense unless you were there.

So quit your bitching, fools.

On-Set Rules (#1-4)

Hi there! Ranty-man is having a doze, so I thought I’d actually write something that actually might pass for actual advice – after all, that was the whole point of me starting this blog off in the first place.

Just like any workplace or social milieu, a film set has its own unique rules of behavior. I’m now going to stick my neck right out and attempt to make sense of these and write some of them down, even though the First Rule of Fight-Club is you do not talk about Fight Club.

Rule #1: Shut the fuck up

Seriously. I cannot stress this one enough.

There’s a good reason that the 1st AD calls “quiet for a take.” Even if you’re not recording sound, even if you’re just filming a pack-shot, you keep quiet and you’ll get the shot done a lot quicker and in fewer takes.

And don’t think you’re immune to this rule just because you’re off-set. We can still hear you.

I know I’m stating the bloody obvious, but you’d be amazed at how many times I’ve had to go for another take because someone was talking. If you’re talking, the odds are you’re not paying attention to the set and, therefore, to the shot.

This rule extends to that plastic lump in your pocket…

Science Faction *

(*OMG! Did I just use that awful portmanteau word “faction”? Shoot me now!)

This news, hot off the Japanese press:

Images read from human brain

From The Yomiuri Shimbun

OSAKA–In a world first, a research group in Kyoto Prefecture has succeeded in processing and displaying optically received images directly from the human brain.

The group of researchers at Advanced Telecommunications Research Institute International, including Yukiyasu Kamitani and Yoichi Miyawaki, from its NeuroInformatics Department, said about 100 million images can be read, adding that dreams as well as mental images are likely to be visualized in the future in the same manner.

The research group… measured the visual cortexes of the two people who were looking at the word “neuron” and five geometric figures such as a square and a cross. Based on the stored brain patterns, the research group analyzed the brain activities and reconstructed the images of Roman letters and other figures, succeeding in recreating optically received images.

Am I the only person getting flashbacks to Kathryn Bigelow’s oft-forgotten classic Strange Days? Surely not.

As I recall, the original inspiration for the movie’s Maguffin – the S.Q.U.I.D. mind-reading device – came from Producer James Cameron’s brother who used to work for DARPA, where they’ve been tested as possible control systems for fighter-planes.

And wasn’t that something they cribbed off the Clint Eastwood movie Firefox? Am I the only one here old enough to remember that flick? Meh – whatevs.

Anyhoo, today’s strangely thrilling news got me thinking of all the other awesome bits of futurology that James Cameron has given us.  The news has been full of snippets in the last few months.   So here’s a slightly different “Here’s is the News” posting.

The oxygenated perfluorocarbon that’s breathed in The Abyss is old-news, but recent footage of an unusual benthic creature is worthy of a flashback to that movie.

from National Geographic:

A mile and a half underwater, a remote control submersible’s camera has captured an eerie surprise: an alien-like, long-armed, and—strangest of all—”elbowed” Magnapinna squid.

In a brief video from the dive recently obtained by National Geographic News, one of the rarely seen squid loiters above the seafloor in the Gulf of Mexico on November 11, 2007.

And now, in strange homage to one of the greatest movies ever made, here’s a company called Cyberdyne, making a robot suit called HAL – I kid you not.

That’s 2 classic movies for the price of one.

ABOUT CYBERDYNE

CYBERDYNE Inc. is a venture firm aiming to utilize accomplishments by Prof. Sankai and his laboratory at University of Tsukuba.

We strongly believe that technologies should be designed for the benefits of humankind. We will be focusing on strong R&D and will introduce very new products and services to the society.

Benefit of humankind? That’s so reassuring…

And if that’s not enough of a Terminator moment for you, how about Skynet going online? It’s around this point in the article that I’ll leave you for a moment and go make myself a tinfoil helmet.

from BBC news

Final Skynet satellite launched

An advanced satellite that will improve greatly the ability of UK military forces to communicate around the globe has been launched into space.

“Skynet 5 is about two-and-a-half-times more capable than the previous system, and it also gives us the ability to use not just voice communication but also data communication,” explains Patrick Wood from spacecraft manufacturer EADS Astrium. “So, computers can talk directly to computers…”

The spacecraft have also been “hardened” to withstand any interference – attempts to disable or take control of the satellites – and any efforts to eavesdrop on their sensitive communications.

Yeah, I edit for dramatic effect, but… come on!

So, when these computers are talking with other computers, who will they be relaying their binary orders to?

These guys, of course!

From New Scientist:

‘Robot arms race’ underway, expert warns

Governments around the world are rushing to develop military robots capable of killing autonomously without considering the legal and moral implications, warns a leading roboticist. But another robotics expert argues that robotic soldiers could perhaps be made more ethical than human ones.

Over 4000 semi-autonomous robots are already deployed by the US in Iraq, says Sharkey, and other countries – including several European nations, Canada, South Korea, South Africa, Singapore and Israel – are developing similar technologies.

In December 2007, the US Department of Defense (DoD) published an “Unmanned systems roadmap” proposing to spend about $4 billion by 2010 on robotic weapons, a figure that will later rising to about $24 bn.

But never fear! There’s someone aboard the International Space Station who can protect us. A real hero who’ll go the distance for his friends. In fact, a bit past that distance. All the way to infinity, and then a bit…

“The Death of the Middle”

I’m busy watching Newsnight Review and they’re doing a special on how the credit-crunch will affect the arts.

Now, in times of recession, you might think that government cutting arts spending is the shrewd thing to do – as one of tonight’s pundits put it: “a kidney machine always trumps the arts.”

It’s a valid point.

We’re already seeing the effects of the recession in the arts. Shows on  Broadway and the in West End are closing early as theatre attendance drops, and out-of-towners stay away in droves.  I’m suprised to hear that British cinema box-office takings are down, year on year – even if it’s only by one percent – as American box-office is up, just like it was back in the great recession of the 30’s.  It seems, when Americans tighten their belt, they still find the cash to go to the movies for their mass escapism.

The comment that caught my ear (and that inspired this article) came from Mike Newell, saying that the sub £6-million movies will get made, and the block-buster movies of £40-50-million-plus will get made, but those in between won’t get made.

Hmm. An interesting point that was picked-up by the Newsnight pundits, who called this “the death of the middle,” agreeing with Newell that “interesting” works will not be produced – assuming that “interesting” has a production value of, say, £10-30 million.

One pundit said that Brokeback Mountain “wouldn’t get made these days.”

What utter bollocks.

Production budget around the $14 million mark – so it’s right in that “middle” they’re talking of – with a worldwise gross of more than 10 times that.

You’re honestly telling me that any producer worth their salt isn’t going to greenlight a “cheap” movie like this, directed by a multi-award winning director, starring multi-award winning actors.

Really?

Get a clue!

I think what they really mean is, that sized budget movie won’t get shot in the UK. And there’s the rub…

Not really news, I’m afraid.  That size of movie rarely gets shot in this country – I’ve been hearing that from producers for years – ever since I worked on my very first micro-budget feature.

The reasons are simple:  You can whip-up enough private investment to make your own sub £6-million picture.  It’s not actually that difficult – honestly.  I’ve worked with a bunch of guys who’ve had little to no experience of working in movies, but they’ve had a script, a dream and the balls to get their film made.

But to make something that costs £40-million plus, you need a massive company with pockets deep enough to not make a penny of profit for the first three years.  Those big studios have weathered storms like this before – they’ll do it again.  Never fear – your summer blockbusters are safe for another season.

But, pity the poor British Film Industry…

Well, industry… really… cottage industry, perhaps.  It’s not a real business.  It lives hand-to-mouth, stumbling from shot to shot, picking up the occasional crumb from our American cousins.  We really don’t have a studio system like the USA, India, China.  Hell, even France has a stronger studio system than we do.  We haven’t had a studio system for at least 30 years.

And I’m sitting here, listening to the august tones of the esteemed pundits on Newsnight Review, as they gnash their teeth over the death of British cinema.

Have they all been going to the same movies as me?

Hell, are they all living in the same century as the rest of us?

Never fear – the credit crunch will have little lasting impact on the British Film Industry, because there is no British Film Industry.

Oh thank god – they’ve gone from my magic telly box and have been replaced by a Mark Kermode doco’ on Baz Luhrmann.  That’s more like it!

Four Act Structure (Nobody Knows Anything – pt.2)

or: why Syd Field can kiss it.

Go into a bookstore and take a look at the shelf of screenwriting books.

I can’t believe I’ve just told you to do that, but… what the hell…

On that shelf, there’s a name you’ll see again and again: Syd Field.  Now, I’ve already taken a pop at this turd-polishing hack in an earlier post.  If you’re not familiar with his odious ouvre, go read that post – I’ll wait here until you get back.

Ok.  DingDing.  Seconds out. Round 2.

Cutting straight to the chase…

Will you all please stop obsessing about story structure!

These formulaic out-of-the-box structures are nothing more than tools to help you build the spine of your screenplay. You’re the tool if you think these ‘tips’ have any meaning or relevance, of if you think they’ll make you write a better screenplay.

Sure, if you haven’t got the first clue about narrative structure, then they’ll improve your screenplay, but then so would reading John Irving’s The 158-pound Marriage twice or watching Taxi Driver three or four times.  You’ll also learn things about character from those two that you’ll never learn from the loathsome Field.

Let me quickly slaughter the sacred cow for you.  Lemme just destroy the basis of Field’s unfathomable success:

The Three Act Structure ‘Paradigm’ is a lie.

Slavishly follow that structure and you will write nothing of any importance or artistic merit.

The first plays ever written were one-act jobs. The idea of multiple-act structure was only invented out of sheer practicality.  Quite simply, it’s unreasonable for you to expect an audience to sit still for three hours without a break, so you split your play in two.  How do you stop them walking out during the intermission?  You leave them with some kind of cliffhanger or unexpected shift in story – leave them with a question that needs answering and they’ll be back in their seats in under 20 minutes.

Now do you see how Field has made an entire career out of baloney?

Oh sure – there are loads of movies that you can point to and say “buy Mike – this is surely written in a three act structure – so much so that you can set your watch to it.”

I’ll give you that – the barn-raising scene in Witness happens bang on half-way.  Time it and see.  You can go to a bazillion screenwriting courses and they’ll all tell you that this is the classic “Middle of Act 2″ scene.

Or take Star Wars -that’s a genuine three-act story – FACT. I should know – I’ve seen it eleventy gajillion times and the trilogy took up half of my college thesis.

But Field himself thinks that The Millenium Falcon blasting off from Mos Eisley happens in act 2, when it’s clearly in act 1, just because Star Wars’ first act lasts longer than the Field-prescribed 30 minutes (it’s Tatooine, Death Star, Yavin IV – the location shifts are a dead giveaway).  It’s like the guy doesn’t even understand his own theory.

And then there’s the problem with Witness.

That classic “Middle of Act 2″ barn-raising scene is the link between Act 2 and Act 3.

Witness has a 4-act structure.

I’ll say that again.

Witness has a 4-act structure.

As do pretty much all of these so-called “3 Act” Hollywood movies.  The 4-Act-ness of them has become increasingly obvious to anyone who cares to pay attention.  Check out Transformers.  It’s the very epitome of 4-Act structure – and it’s sticks to the 10-minute action rule pretty rigidly too.   It’s two hours of celluloid entertainment cut into 4 equal pieces.

It’s screenwriting-by-numbers.

I’m not knocking Transformers - I’m a massive fan of Michael Bay – this movie totally rocks me to the bottom of my popcorn bucket, but it’s not exactly Seven Samurai, is it?

If you want to write better screenplays, stop worrying about story structure and just tell us a story!

Stop thinking – stop reading these poisonous books – stop worrying about structure – start writing

I’m nearly all out of ranty for the day, but I’ll leave you with this jot of advice:

Next time you’re in the screenwriting section of your local bookstore, ask yourself what the hell you’re doing considering wasting your hard-earned cash on that shite.  You might as well be in the yoghurt-knitting self-help section for all the good these books will do your writing.

Get yourself far away from that mind-rotting crap and visit the Literature section.  Buy some Irving or Dickens.  Read The Great Gatsby or Rum Punch.  Or, if you really must read a script, try the Theatre section and pick up some Arthur Miller (Death of a Salesman has 2 acts, BTW) or David Mamet (there’s a great collection with Glengarry Glen Ross and Speed the Plow).

Once you’ve read all of those, if you’re still not convinced, I’ll let James Bonnet try to convince you. I’m not saying he’s the guru you’ve been waiting for, but this article of his makes a lot of sense.

Now I’m off to write some freeform beat-poetry. Sod strucure.  Let’s jam.

Here is the news: 14/11/08

Biting the hand that once fed me.

More news-junkie-action from the uber-news-junkie.  I can’t really foist my peculiar brand of ranty opinionated-ness on the unsuspecting readers at NowPublic, so you’re getting both-barrels.

A quick round-up and of today’s media news, bitch-slapped into one handy package.  Sharpen your knives, and we’ll begin…

Simon Cowell sits on three cushions to look big

Vertically-challenged music mogul Simon Cowell has a telly secret – he sit’s on not one but three cushions to boost his on-screen height, a somewhat bitchy Piers Morgan claimed last night.

Morgan, who sits alongside the Cowell on Britain’s Got Talent, said:  “ If you look carefully, Simon grows between shows. When we’re on Britain’s Got Talent he’s smaller then me, then suddenly his three pillows arrive and he’s taller than me!”

Cowell wears strange trousers and is a bajillionaire.  He can buy Piers Morgan ten-times-over.  He can sit on as many cushions as he likes.  He can hollow-out Sharon Osbourne and use her as a hammock for all anyone cares.

Sugababes on hold for university

Sugababes plan to put their thriving music careers on hold to allow founding member Keisha Buchanan to pursue her dream of going to university.

…Keisha said: “It’s my dream to study at university – I’ve been in Sugababes since I was 12 so I would love the opportunity. We would do our individual projects and come back together stronger than before.”

“We love working and ­writing together so we would come back, even if it was to write for other people.”

Fellow Sugababe Amelle Berrabah gushed: “I’d love to do acting – comedy acting, as people think I’m a bit of a n­utcase anyway!”

But the band’s fans can breathe a sigh of relief, as their break won’t happen for at least another two years…

As it’ll take her that long to re-sit her A-Levels again… and again… and… yeah.  If she left full-time education when she was 12. it’ll take her all her time to graduate school, let along get to Uni.

On-set gossip time: I once filmed these girls and it amazed me how they learned the harmonies to their songs on the day of the gig.  Surely you’d have to learn them to sing on the album?  Unless… wait… is that not them on the album?  Well, that would explain why their in-tune on the album and not on stage (one’s a little sharp, another’s a little flat, the other is more or less on-pitch… more or less).  Their sound engineers had their teeth gritted throught the entire gig.

I’m not even going to speculate on what degree she’ll be doing.  That’s just too easy a target, even for me.

Lethal Weapon 5′ is ‘dead in the water’

Director Richard Donner has claimed that a fifth Lethal Weapon is “dead in the water” after Mel Gibson rejected an offer to return to the franchise.

Speaking to the Los Angeles Times, Donner, who helmed all four Lethal Weapon films, claimed that Gibson had snubbed the proposed fifth movie.

He said: “Mel turned it down. I would like to think that Mel turned it down because I wasn’t involved. Knowing Mel, I would like to think that. Would that be the kind of thing he does? It sure would be.”

Donner also blasted producer Joel Silver for not asking him to return as director, saying: “Joel Silver tried to ace me out of it. He tried to put it together but made sure he didn’t do it until my contract was up. You know, it’s typical of the man. A guy who wasn’t even around at the beginning when we started on the first one. He came in late.”

He added: “The project is pretty much dead in the water unless someone had the sense to come to me.”

Firstly:  thank Jesus, thanks Buddha, thank Allah, thank Krishna, thank… thank every frikkin god in the damn phonebook.  Stop making franchise-killing sequels, you retards!

Secondly: Donner = colossal… egotistical… douchebag.  Can we recind his DGA licence?

Roseanne Barr: ‘A nation run by old men on Viagra’

Comedian Roseanne Barr gets on the Guardian bus and lets rip her views on John McCain and the state of US politics

What?  Barr hasn’t been on telly for 20 years.  There’s a whole generation of people born after her show got axed who are now old enough to vote.  Her opinions mean nothing to them, because they haven’t even heard of her.

Has the world of 24-hour News really burned-through all the other political pundits that they’ve got this far down the list?  Wow.

Coldplay nominated for US awards

Coldplay have been shortlisted in four categories at this year’s American Music Awards (AMA), including artist of the year and best album.

The awards, which are determined by a public vote, will be handed out in Los Angeles on 23 November.

Why?  Why?  Why, god?  Why?  Really.

Do you know anyone who actually buys this shit?  Me neither.

US star Cyrus writes memoir at 15

US pop sensation Miley Cyrus has finished writing a book of her life at the age of 15.

The star of hit TV show Hannah Montana was reportedly paid a seven-figure sum to tell her “inspiring story”.

The daughter of country singer Billy Ray Cyrus has also said she wants to return to the show for a fourth series.

You – get the truck.  You – get the guns.

If only Bill Hicks had lived long enough to get his “Let’s hunt and kill Billy Ray Cyrus” show on TV, this waste of paper would never have happened and the universe would be a happy place, full of pretty flowers, unicorns and rainbows.

Ringo ‘too busy’ for autographs

Former Beatle Ringo Starr will no longer sign memorabilia for fans and will throw away all fan mail he receives in the future, he has said.

Miserable old shit.  I just had to get that off my chest.

And there’s your lot for the day.  I’m off to bed, to cry myself to sleep at the train-crash that is The Meedja.

Was is that bad when I was working in Telly?  Perhaps it was and I was too busy swinging camera-cranes to notice.  Perhaps I worked on some of this shit and was too busy bitching about the catering to realise.

Oh my…

Aged BBC Correspondant fears change, bites hand that feeds him

You’ve got to love The Independant.

Grumpy-face. Sour-puss.

Any other newspaper would have reported this in an hysterical, “end of the world” stylee.  The Guardian would have gloated, used zeitgeisty buzzwords and talked a lot about “new media” and “empowerment.”  The Times would have actually said “zeitgeist” and possibly “apropos”, but inappropriately so as to leave you feeling slightly confused and uneducated.  The Telegraph would have banged-on about how it wasn’t like this in their day, how we should respect “elder statesmen” this and “end of an era” that, blamed it on immigration and then launched into a stream of monosyllabic adjectival hyperbole that leaves you wondering which idiot would give a monkey a Thesaurus for Xmas.

But not the Indi.

They take a story that’s begging for The Daily Mash to jump up and down on it and they give you “just the facts, ma’am.”  You don’t really get much of “we’ll let you make your own minds up” journalism these days.  It’s quite refreshing.  They just let the subjects hang themselves out to dry – and this one’s an easy hit: Grand Old Man of BBC News loses the plot and thinks he’s on an episode of “Grumpy Old Men.”

As for me:  I’ve got a bellyfull of “Grr!” and a two-by-four wrapped in “Meh!” with which I shall now proceed to beat the news to the ground, then kick it while it’s down.

From today’s Independent online.

BBC’s future bleak, says John Simpson

The BBC “is in its last stages”, says veteran broadcaster John Simpson – and now he expects the sack soon “in horrible circumstances”.

Or, as they used to call it: he’ll retire on full final-salary pension, drop some acid (judging by his Wikipedia entry) then make a mint writing endless memoirs.  Yeah – that sounds truly horrible.

The corporation’s World Affairs Editor told an audience at Cheltenham Literature Festival the future was bleak for the BBC because the licence fee was being “chopped away”.

Mostly chopped away by the tens of thousands of your British pounds that the Beeb wastes on parties every year, by the military-grade interweb they have below TVC (which, in case you missed it, is getting knocked down in a few years – talk about future-proofing) and by continuing to fight a ratings war that they should have no part of and will never win.  Oh yes – and Radio 4 is utterly pointless.

Fearless for his own career, the 64-year-old predicted he would eventually be fired by the “so and so’s” at the top revealing: “I hate them pretty much anyway.”

My – how very fearless!  Marvel at the bravery of the Mr. Grumpy.  He’s just pissed that Brian Hanrahan got the Falklands gig.

The foreign correspondent who has visited 120 countries later softened and admitted he was “sort of” fond of the ‘magnificent outfit’.

Toady and hypocrite.  Either stand up and be counted or lie down and take your beating, Simpson.

“The future? Well, I don’t think that it’s going to look very good for the BBC.

“I think the BBC we have known, for good or worse, is now in its last stages. It pains me after 42 years of working for it to think that, but I alas do.

“I think the standards will be there, just as they are with other organisations which have been built on the BBC model, but it takes money.

It takes money gifted to them by government and taxes which is what the Licence Fee is a stealthy form of, BTW.  I point these things out by way of a public service, you know.

“Now that the commercial principle is failing the broadcasters, it means the way in which our entire broadcasting system has functioned for decades since 1955 is now under very serious threat. It will be very different indeed. It may be better but I somehow doubt it.”

Commercial principle?  What commercial principle?  They’re government sponsored. They wouldn’t know a commercial if it shouted at them in it’s loudest “THIS IS CILLIT BANG” voice.

“What the hell do I care? I’ll be 75 or something like that. I’ll be just that age when people start turning round and saying nasty things about the BBC.”

So not 65, as you are right now, when you’re saying nasty things about the BBC?  Hypocrite and, quite possibly, suffering from Old-Timers – have you forgotten the mean things you’ve just said about dear old Aunty Beeb?  Do you want me to read it back to you, John?  Can I get you another blanket, dearie?

Simpson then turned on Terry Wogan…

SMACKDOWN – live on Sky

…calling his recent criticism of the BBC “strange”.

Urgh – that’s a let-down.   I was hoping for at least a People’s Elbow.

He joked: “He said something particularly savage. I can’t remember what it was. I thought somebody surely should have a word with him about that.”

Another bout of Old-Timers.  Is it past your bedtime?

“That’s what you do. You wait until you’ve finished and then say something nasty about it.

Like what you just done?

“I just hope – and I hope you’ll keep me to it – if I were to get the boot from the BBC, perhaps after what I’ve said this evening, and I pop up and start denigrating it, I do hope you’ll remind me how I despise that tendency among people.”

Hello Pot – Kettle calling.

Simpson had only agreed to speak at the event in Gloucestershire as a last-minute substitute for former hostage Terry Waite.

Leaving the audience wishing they’d been handcuffed to a radiator in the Middle East, rather than sit and watch a once great reporter self-destruct as he descends into absent-minded ranting against the company that has paid his mortgage for the last 40 years.

This really is the end of an era for the BBC – I’ll give him that.  The last dinosaurs are being shuffled out the door.  The Beeb will certainly lose a great deal of experience, knowledge and wisdom as these esteemed media relics get pensioned-off, one by one.  They’ll also lose the “it wasn’t like this in my day” crowd, the “we do it this way for a reason” pedants and the “don’t you know who we are?  We’re the BBC*” petty Hitlers who make TVC a bloody awful place to work.

Farewell, you moldy old bastards.  You’ll be missed.  Meybe.

Nah – not really.

( * I swear to you, I’ve heard BBC staff say this to members of the public.  That’s what you’re licence fee is paying for.)

Here is the News

I am a news junkie.

Biting the hand that once fed me.

All day at work, I have a news-ticker distracting me with random titbits of news, beamed directly from the Interweb into my tiny monkey brain. I have a Protopage that’s devoted to RSS feeds. I mainline feeds from the Washington Post to Slashdot, via Daily Variety.

Some days it’s same-old-same-old. Nothing going on. Today, I’ve been inundated with all manner of meedja headlines. From Sunset and Vine to Wood Lane, it’s newsflash-a-go-go.

So I thought I’d present my pick of these headlines, complete with some snarling commentary.

Saucer of milk to table three… and we’re off!

Not to be outdone by ITV’s announcement that they’re revamping Blind Date, Cilla Black is back!

Cilla Black returns for dating show

Cilla Black will return to TV screens to front Sky One’s dating show Loveland.

(Well she’s got to pay for her winter heating bills somehow, poor love)

The 65-year-old famously hosted the ITV dating show Blind Date for 18 years. At the peak of its popularity, the programme pulled in viewing figures of 17 million.

Loveland, pitched as a dating show with a 21st century twist, will see participants hide behind real-time animated characters instead of the Blind Date screen. After interacting with the animated alter-ego, the contestant will choose which hopeful to take on a date.

Black said of the new show: “Loveland captivated me with its modern-day twist on the dating format, bringing something new and exciting to the genre.”

The series will broadcast on Sky One next year.

Now, imagine the scene: you’re trying to explain “Second Life” to your geriatric bus-pass mother. Once you’ve got her past the concept of avatars, flying and Furries, can you imagine her being able to tell back to you what you’ve just taught her?

No.

Also, am I the only one who would find taking dating advice from a pensioner a little creepy?

And that’s your new prime-time show.

NEXT!

Gibson, Glover back for ‘Lethal Weapon 5′

(Saints preserve us! Is the credit-crunch hitting ther retirement funds?)

Mel Gibson and Danny Glover are reportedly in talks to star in Lethal Weapon 5.

Shane Black, who wrote the original movie, has penned a spec script for a fifth instalment, according to Hollywood tracking board TrackingB.com.

The new story sees homicide cop Riggs (Gibson), who is about to quit the LAPD, drag Murtaugh (Glover) out of retirement to solve one final case.

Well, that’s original.

Don’t get me wrong – if anyone can resurrect the corpse of this much-adored franchise, it’s Shane Black. The man is one of the Gods of screenwriting – FACT!

But this is going to redefine the phrase: “I’m getting too old for this shit.”

Mind you, the Zimmer Frame of Fame is clattering on for another golden oldie:

Lucas: ‘Indy 5 won’t focus on LaBeouf’

George Lucas has changed his plans for a proposed fifth Indiana Jones movie.

(well that’s certainly not the first time he’s lied to the fans)

The producer had previously spoken of his desire to shift the emphasis away from Harrison Ford’s whip-cracking archaeologist and onto his son Mutt Williams, played by Shia LaBeouf in Indiana Jones And The Kingdom Of The Crystal Skull.

However, Lucas has now distanced himself from the idea, telling MTV: “Indiana Jones is Indiana Jones. Harrison Ford is Indiana Jones. If it was Mutt Williams it would be Mutt Williams And The Search For Elvis or something.”

(“or something”?! Has Lucas turned into a teenager? “It’s, like, gonna be the old fella in da hat, innit… or something.” Christ. And they let this guy write the script?)

Lucas stated that a new Indiana Jones movie would enter development once he had decided on a historical artifact to drive the story.

He said: “We are looking for something for him to go after. They are very hard to find. It’s like archeology. It takes a huge amount of research to come up with something that will fit.”

Well, don’t hang around for too long or Harrison’s hips will start to go.

Now for some sad news: further proof that Hollywood has scraped the bottom of the barrel, run out of ideas and sold its soul to Blockbuster. Possibly the worst idea for a remake since they said they’d remake Robocop, or The Day the Earth Stood Still, or I Am Legend, or… oh I’ll just get on with the story.

Francis Ford Coppola’s The Conversation to be adapted for TV

(Oh cocking hell, I’m off to the bar. Tell me when it’s over)

US cable channel AMC, home to critically lauded advertising drama Mad Men, is looking to develop a TV series based on Francis Ford Coppola’s 1974 movie The Conversation.

The low-key thriller, about a paranoid surveillance expert called Harry Caul, played by Gene Hackman, who has a crisis of conscience when he suspects that a couple he is spying on will be murdered, earned three Oscar nominations, including best picture.

(so we’ve established this is a classic – why, sweet Jesus, do you remake a classic?)

Former 24 executive producer Tony Krantz has been attempting to turn the movie into a TV series for more than a decade and has lined up an impressive roster of creative talent to work on the project for AMC.

Christopher McQuarrie, whose scriptwriter credits include The Usual Suspects, and Band of Brothers writer Erik Jendresen, are working on a script for the TV version of The Conversation, according to American trade journal Variety.

(ah – now your talking – McQuarrie. Another screenwriting GOD. But is this the McQuarrie who wrote the sublime Usual Suspects, or the McQuarrie who choked and folded while writing Superman, then got over his mid-life crisis through the medium of indipendent film? Let’s hope to christ he’s got his game-face on for this one.)

Krantz, McQuarrie and Jendresen previously worked on a modern-day version of The Conversation two years ago for ABC, but Krantz said it did not work out after the network chose to concentrate on female friendly dramas such as Desperate Housewives.

(so they’re remaking a remake of their own failed remake)

Krantz’s Flame Ventures independent production company is attached to the project, along with Sony Pictures TV and Coppola’s American Zoetrope label.

Ooh! So Coppola’s in on the act.

Is that him relaunching himself back into the media fray, or is the tax-man knocking on his door?

Well, that’s enough of old farts from the 80’s (that’s me I’m talking about). How about something ‘yoof’?

Brace yourself…

(press ‘play’ on your Best of Clannad 8-track, now)

Jonas Armstrong to leave ‘Robin Hood’

(I was just going to leave it there and say “W00T!”, but here we go)

Jonas Armstrong is to step down as the lead in Robin Hood at the end of the next series.

The actor will depart in what is being billed as an “explosive, nail-biting finale” to series three, currently being filmed in Budapest.

(hopefully, by “explosive”, they mean they’ll be strapping a ’suicide belt’ into this gomer and chasing him into a busy Broadcasting House, with mad dogs nipping at his heels)

Although Armstrong, 27, is leaving, the door will be left open for the series to continue should it be recommissioned. “Jonas leaving the show doesn’t mean the end of Robin Hood,” a spokeswoman told Digital Spy. “Robin Hood is more than a man – he is a hero and a legend – so how the legacy unfolds after he leaves is in itself mysterious and is guaranteed to make fans desperate to find out what happens next.”

I’m just desperate to find out who are the bastards responsible for this shoddy tat, so I can go tell them to pack their bags and stop raping British folklore.

There is only ONE Robin Hood and that’s Michael Praed… no, hang on… Jason Connery… no, wait…

And that’s the news. It’s all remakes and sequels.

Dear Meedja,

Will someone PLEASE produce a new TV show or Movie. Will someone just give Shane Black and Chris McQuarrie the cash to make their refreshingly brilliant and original work. Will you all stop and think for a moment. Classics are Classics for a reason. They’re brilliant and not in need of a remake or a sequel too far.

I loved the new Indiana Jones movie with all of my bitter, black heart, but four is enough. Pass on the hat.

I thought Lethal Weapon 4 was a whole lot of fun, but you closed the book on that franchise. They’re trying to resurrect this one from beyond the grave.

Give us something new – I beg of you.

Telly – you are the worst offender in this!

There is more than enough talent in the industry, on either side of the pond, to come up with fresh ideas. The problem isn’t the writers, it’s the producers and commissioning editors. They’re the ones who hold the purse-strings. They’re the ones who had their balls taken away from them as soon as they got their name on the office door. It’s these vile bean-counters who decide what you and I get to watch on the box. It’s these vapid, vacuous non-entities who bleat about falling viewing figures and, rather than look at their own inadequacies, blame anything: multichannel broadcasting, video on demand, global warming – seriously – I once heard a Line Producer say that people were watching less telly because the world was warming up and people were, therefore, spending more time outside.

I shit you not.

That’s the mentality of these people. When a show fails, it’s never their fault (it’s usually the poor bloody writer). If a show succeeds, it’s entirely because of them (rather than the forgotten writer).

It’s these money-grubbing bastards who have turned the BBC into some third-rate provincial station.

It’s these shysters who you give your Licence Fee to.

Do you know how to stand up to them? There’s a red button on your remote. It turns the magic box off.

Why not prove that producer right. Turn off the goggle box and go enjoy the long summer nights, rather than pollute your brain with these second-hand, cast-off ideas.